The One Thing You Need to Do to Land Difficult, But Necessary Conversations
Become a more expert communicator by using a concept most of us learn in kindergarten, but forget in our hurried, digital, and quick-to-judge lives.
Whenever a client asks me, “should I say something?”, my answer is always the same, “would you want to know if you were on the other side?”
And if the answer is “yes,” then the next question inevitably is: “but how should I go about saying it.” My answer then is, “how would you want to communicated to if you were on the other side?”
In short, my answer is the tried and true:
Treat others as you would want to be treated.
What’s amazing is that 90% of the time, my clients have an immediate answer to these prompts, even if they have been avoiding the topic or have felt unclear about how to proceed for weeks or even months.
Why?
Their fears get in the way of doing what they think is best.
All leaders fear not being able to communicate effectively in high-stakes situations.
No one wants to mishandle a conversation that they view as weighty with significant implications. Surprisingly, the answer to the problem is generally rather simple vs. complex.
Most of the time, you don’t need a fancy tool or rubric. You have likely thought through the situation sufficiently and have a depth of context that no one else has.
For truly complex or legally difficult situations, you’ll have access to experts and other resources to help you navigate.
For your “average run-of-the-mill” challenging conversation, your judgment is enough.
The golden rule has helped me through nearly all of my difficult conversations.
I’ve used it to help me with not only whether to address the issue, but my tone and my body language in addition to my words. It’s guided me through a wide range of topics:
Executing layoffs
Working with a difficult colleague
Negotiating for a raise and promotion
Communicating challenging news to my team
Giving feedback to an underperforming employee
Demanding that my boss fire a jerk colleague or risk losing me
I not only executed my conversations more productively, I was more direct and less emotionally triggered as I engaged. In addition, I wasted less time worrying and had less trouble sleeping before and after the conversation.
All in all, the issues to which I applied this model were addressed faster, more effectively, and with less drama.
Every time I didn’t follow it, I paid the price and so did my team.
When I didn’t follow the golden rule, I often defaulted to a passive-aggressive approach which helped no one.
Issues that could have been handled in minutes months earlier would just slowly simmer to a boil and take weeks to resolve because I chose avoidance instead of engagement.
My teams also paid a price as a result. I would often feel inner turmoil by not dealing with an issue and be distracted.
In addition, those closest to me who saw I was avoiding an issue started to lose trust in my judgment or worried about whether I was too conflict-avoidant to take hard decisions.
Don’t let your fears guide you.
Trust the golden rule and your inner wisdom instead.
Take the time each week to check if there are conversations you are avoiding out of fear. Write down the topics and identify the most important ones.
For each, ask yourself what would want the other person to do if you switched places with each other.
Sleep on your answer, but if the next morning, you still feel the same, then don’t wait to set up a time to talk.
Pro tip: Be vulnerable and share your concerns about their reaction or how the conversation might affect your relationship before you dive into the core topic. Sharing your context can help the other person better understand your intent.
Treat them as you would want them to treat you and you might be surprised at how well they receive what you share.
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